Missing my girl

So we sent Madison to my brother and sister-in-laws house for the last 5 days.  It is the longest she has stayed away from us and we miss her terribly.  She needed to go to get a break.  She needed a break from the chaos, the stress, the arguing and from Nathan.  I hate to say it, but Nathan is very hard to be around lately.  Ever since we took him off the medication and he had the reaction, he has been different.  He is still loving and wonderful, but different.  He says things that he does not mean, does things and doesn’t know why and behaves in a way that does not reflect who he is.

Every time Madison called, she sounded so happy and carefree.  They kept her so busy with fun activities (they are making us look bad:).  She stayed up late and did all the fun things that a 10-year-old girl should be able to do, but can’t when you live in a house with a brother who is Autistic and has numerous special needs.  Life becomes all about that person and you tend to get left in the shadows.  Not because anyone means to, but because we all have to survive.  How do you tell a person that you love more than life itself to hold on, I will pay attention to you in a little while, but right now I have to deal with this.  And in her world a little while never comes.  It does seem to be all about Nathan.  We can’t go here because Nathan can’t handle it, or we can’t do this because it will bother Nathan.  When does she get to do what she wants to do, just because she wants to.  I NEED her to know how much we love her and I feel like I am losing that battle.  I don’t have the answer to that, but just try to reassure her all the time that she is just as important, but his needs are greater right now.  It won’t always be that way.  Once he goes through this treatment, life should get better.  It has to.

As a treat to her, I redecorated her room.  I painted it the color purple she has been wanting.  We bought her a queen size bed, since she is barely fitting in her twin bed.  We put decorations all over her room and I am anxiously awaiting her return to see what she thinks since she doesn’t know we did it.  It is a small gesture on my part to show her that I do think of her and that she does get things that Nathan does not.  I hope she likes it and I hope when she grows up she will forgive me for not being the Mom that she needed me to be.

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3 responses to “Missing my girl

  1. Oh my,sweet Stacey! I have this feeling in my heart that you are being much too hard on yourself concerning your precious daughter Madison. I am sure things are hard for her and she feels left out and ignored sometimes but ————–I know she knows how much you and Jay love and cherish her. She does need some special times and I can see you providing that when you can as you are doing now. She will see her new room and all the love and attention you put in to it and know what you were saying to her without having to say it. You ARE the Mom she needs right now and you always will be there for her. Trust your self to do what is right for her and she will be able to see that things will get better but in the meantime she will know you love her and understand how she feels. Just keep on loving her and giving her as much of yourself as you can and I know she will continue to grow into the wonderful young lady we all know she will be with you and Jay as her role models.
    If you would let me know what her room looks like,colors, artwork, etc, I would love to paint her a special wall hanging for her room. In the meantime, I hope she has fun at Brad and Michelles and returns to you smiling and feeling good about herself with her new room.
    We love you all so much and keep you in our hearts always! Aunt Sue and Uncle Julius

    • Thanks Aunt Sue- you are very sweet to say all those things. It is my own insecurities that come out but she is caught in the middle right now. I am sure it will be fine but my job is to worry:). That would be awesome about her room. The color is from Lowe’s called vibrant violet. We have hot pink accents and she is really into the love, laugh, love theme.

      You guys are the best!!
      Stacey

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