If I could turn back time…

Why are some days harder than others?  Sometimes, I can point to specific things that happen during the day that might make me feel this way, others I can’t always put my finger on it. 

The last couple of weeks I have been reminiscing quite a bit. (Unfortunately I have Facebook to thank for that.  It reminds me everyday of all the memories from years past)  Most are just these sweet little moments in time that I would give anything to go back to and just freeze time for awhile.  To have looked a little closer at what my children were doing, to have listened a little harder to what they said or to have been a little more compassionate in a moment where they needed it.  But I can’t go back and it hurts.

Reality really struck me today when Madison came home with her High School registration packet.  I mean really, High School.   When did that happen?  It just hit me that we are step closer to her going off and starting her life.  And in the same breath, it is another reminder that Nathan won’t.   These moments are so contradictory.  I want to be excited for the future for Madison, but I can’t be excited out of fear of what the future holds for Nathan.

Jay had been having an especially hard time lately.   He is withdrawn and shut down. Little do people know,  we don’t talk about Nathan’s condition.  It is almost a taboo subject in our house.   Sure we will have the occasional discussions about little issues or doctor appointments,  but the nitty gritty details we haven’t allowed ourselves to do that yet.  I have no idea if that is normal or just a protective measure we have put in place to protect our hearts.  But lately, it feels like I am busting at the seams to talk about things.  I want so badly to connect with my husband,  but feel like I have to wait until he shows me he is ready.   There are a couple friends that I talk to, but I am trying to hold back so I can maintain friendships that are not one sided.  Honestly,  I don’t know if Jay talks to anyone.  I think he needs a friend to listen, but he doesn’t want to ever burden anyone with his problems.

We have a small getaway planned coming up and I hope it gives us the opportunity to shake some of the worry off and come back fresh.

We would ask for your continued prayers for our family.  I know I may not put a lot out here about exactly how Nathan is doing, and although overall he is better, the day to day is not great.  We have some pretty terrific moments with him and some not so great moments.  We cling to the good ones with all our strength, for those moments carry us through to the next one.

Thank you to all who have stuck with us during this journey.  Sometimes it is easy to think people don’t remember or aren’t quite as interested,  but so many of you have reached out to us and it means the world to us.



6 thoughts on “If I could turn back time…

  1. in all the years I have worked with parents of special needs children rarely have men reached out for information..the calls are always from women, the few men who have called are men who are special needs teachers. I feel that the groups that focus on ea special need are lifelines for women who are ready and do need to talk and do need to have a place where it is safe to reach out…So glad you have found that group….Blessings and Hugs

  2. I wish I could get there faster!

  3. Oh my. I am so sorry for what you’re going through. If you ever need a one sided friends to talk to, please please call me. I’m a good listener…..I pray for you all. Sending love from Colorado.

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